Musings of a Happy SAHD

This guest post is written by Robb Peck, an avid letterboxer in Vancouver, Washington, and a stay-at-home dad. Read more about his family at Out & About w/ Happy SAHD

Musings of a Happy SAHD (as in Stay At Home Dad)

I started being home not long after our second child turned a year old and I lost my job, catapulting our family into a new place. Like millions of other Americans who have had this happen, I felt a bit betrayed and more than a little dismayed. I had spent better than half of my life training and practicing my profession, and suddenly I was no longer in charge. It was hard to shake that off and get going on looking for a new job while helping out around the house.

At first, I resisted the whole “Mr. Mom” thing. Sure, I would get the kids up and fed, do some cooking (more chances to use the grill!), and tidy up the house, but I was still in charge of the 'big' things – the cars, the yard, maintenance & repairs, etc. After all, I was still looking for a job, and my focus had to be on that. But, as life would have it, my wife and I ended up in a complete role reversal when she rather quickly found a great full-time job that paid better than mine.

We had a hard choice to make: If she kept her job and I eventually found one, we would have no one at home, and our kids raised in daycare – a choice we had long ago decided not to make. And it kind-of made sense: I had spent the better part of my life training to become a teacher, with 13 years of experience in the classroom – why not stay home and raise our kids?
So I've been a SAHD through the "terrible twos," potty training and preschool to now kindergarten and the wonders of the 5-yr-old "why" with our son, and from kindergarten and favorite 'dollies' through scouts and sleepovers with our 8-yr-old (going on 18-yr-old) daughter.

I've been the kids' social director for play-dates, birthday parties, summer camps, and sports.

I've gotten to do things many fathers miss: celebrate the first time my boy used the 'big potty'; spend an afternoon playing pirates on the playground, build massive 'forts' out of all the chairs and every blanket in the house (and then have it all put away before mommy comes home!); see my children grasp the concept of phonics and read something brand new; or hold my daughter after school the first time another girl made fun of her clothes and crushed her ego. I also get to do amazing things like chaperone field trips to the pumpkin patch, help out in my kids' classrooms, and take my kids after school to volunteer down at the homeless shelter.It's different, however, being a SAHD.

Most moms wear it as a badge of honor if they are a SAHM: they are sacrificing their 'working life' to spend the quality time it takes to raise kids right, and be there for them.

But many of these same SAHMs treat a SAHD as if there must be something wrong with you, as if it’s not okay for a man to stay at home and let his wife go earn the paycheck. I've experienced the strange, guarded looks from the mommies at the park and the children's museum. I've actually seen mommies guide their little ones to the other side of the playground when I was playing with my son on the slide or swing. And I've had play-dates turned down because only I—not my wife—would be home to supervise.

Oddly enough, even though I'm there with my kids – just like them – it takes a bit for some to realize that I'm not out 'cruising' to pick up moms, or stalking their kids. Once I got past the stares and snubs, several of the SAHMs have become good friends, with us trading off watching each other's kids now & then.

Some working fathers aren't exactly sure how to treat a SAHD either, especially when I might spend an afternoon at their house – or their wife might spend an afternoon at our house – while our kids are playing. One thing that seems to help a lot is to invite the whole family over for dinner one evening so everyone gets to know each other a bit better first. (And yes, I do the cooking. If you're passing through town some time, we'll have you over. I make a mean stir-fry and pot roast, and have become a bit of an expert with homemade breads - especially pizza crust. I even cook once a month at our church for about 100 people or so...) Then there are the friends who can't imagine that you actually like being a SAHD. Again, there's the perception that there must be something wrong with me since I've stopped looking for a job. I've had the ex-coworkers ask about when I was going back to the classroom. And I've fielded calls on my cell phone from my old buddies 'ribbing' me about being "Mr. Mom." Of course, I was playing with my kids at the zoo when they called!

Though a lot of my new ‘job’ is fantastic, it's not all fun and games. When a kid is burning up with a fever, or puking their guts out, my wife heads off to work and I get the 'pleasure' of dealing with it. I've picked up a lot more of the housework, of course, but I still take care of the cars, yard, maintenance, repairs, etc. I also do the bulk of the laundry (kids' clothes, sheets, towels, etc. - my wife prefers to wash her work clothes herself), the shopping (which is really fun with a 3-yr-old), and most of the errands.

All-in-all, it's wonderful being a SAHD - with an incredible, intense time to really bond and get to know and help shape your kids - and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

A lot of our society looks at mommies who stay home as almost 2nd-class citizens. Yet, I've learned the real secret – they have the best job in the world!

NYT: Stay-at-Home Dad Loses 30 Pounds

There is a sweet as-told-to piece in the New York Times about how Aron Ward, a dad of three in south central Pennsylvania decides to stay home during his 3rd son's first year and loses 30 pounds taking his son out for walks and activities.

The full text is here.

Here's an excerpt:

My wife would probably say that I took good care of the boys that year but that I could have done a little better with the housework. On the days I had Jackson alone, I was always on the go with him. He wasn’t much of a napper, so I’d walk the mall with him in the stroller. I dropped 30 pounds in that year. In the summer I had all three boys, which was a little difficult because of the age differences and their different interests.

By last October, I was ready to start looking for work. I thought that I had taken Jackson a long way, and I felt confident that the little guy would do O.K. in day care at that point.

Anita is now director of claims for Rite Aid, but she had worked for Nationwide at one time and suggested that I interview with the company. She thought that I might enjoy the insurance field. I scheduled an interview and hired a baby sitter for a couple of hours.

Nationwide hired me last December, and I started there in January. I analyze the risk of offering insurance on certain properties and calculate the premium to charge. This helps agents determine if it’s worth it to offer property insurance to a retailer, for example. I work with about 13 insurance agents. The job has a lot of diversity, and I like the people aspect.

Still, it was hard leaving Jackson with someone else that first day. I can relate to how mothers who return to work must feel. He and I bonded that year. But by the end of his first week in day care, Jackson didn’t want to leave when I went to pick him up.

I’m glad to be back at work, but I miss the baby. It’s hard not knowing his routine, but I know he’s being well taken care of. I also miss walking the mall with him. I’ve put on a few pounds since I’ve returned to work. I’ve also stayed friends with a couple of the guys in the stay-at-home dads group, and our families get together occasionally. I don’t know one of them who would trade for the world the experience of being at home with their kids.

A Stay-At-Home Dad Reviews BBBDs

Phil at A Family Runs Through It, who has an excellent blog about homeschooling, parenting, being a stay-at-home dad, and life with two children in northern Idaho, reviewed the book for the blog book tour. It was fun to "go" to Idaho (especially since Phil really liked the book!). Here's his review:

It's been nearly ten years since we brought my son home from the hospital. I remember thinking that I wasn't ready to have a newborn in the house. After all, I had never been around babies before. My whole life I held a baby once, for about 30 seconds. I'm pretty sure I didn't drop it.

So I was completely unprepared for being a father. I had to go out and buy one of those step-by-step photo books that showed how to hold a baby, change a diaper, buckle up a car seat, and other simple, but daunting, procedures.

I wish I'd had more. I wish I'd had The Baby Bonding Book For Dads.

Written by the husband/wife team of James di Properzio and Jennifer Margulis, the book is specifically for clueless dads, like I was, who have little or no experience in taking care of babies. But it's not just about the nuts and bolts of caring for children. This is about building a real emotional bond between father and baby.

Oh yeah, it does have all that instructional stuff in it. Chapters about diapering, napping, travel, and exercise are all quick, fun reads filled with practical information. The authors then go beyond that to talk about how the experience of caring for a newborn helps dads forge solid relationships with their kids.

None of the topics in this book are a surprise to me now, but I've had ten years to learn it on my own. I wonder how much easier my job would've been if my eyes had been opened to a few of these concepts much earlier on. It's really simple stuff, but sometimes men don't want to see the simple truths staring them right in the face.

And when's a better time to form a bond with your child than the first day they become a part of the family?

If you know any new, or soon-to-be, fathers, The Baby Bonding Book For Dads would make a great gift. At 92 pages, with lighthearted text and charming photos, it's sure to soften the hearts of even the most stubbornly clueless men.