Alternadad and Mother Words

Hot-off-the-press, that is, the blogosphere, reviews from Neal Pollack, author of the book, Alternadad, and creator of the blog Offsprung, and Kate Hopper of Mother Words (who, in the midst of battling mastitis still found time to read and write an amazingly long and thoughtful blog about the Baby Bonding Book For Dads).

Some excerpts:

Today is Offsprung’s “virtual tour stop” for The Baby Bonding Book For Dads, which exists to help the clueless, emotionally-distant American male achieve a closer relationship with their loin-products. TBBBFD (for short) is a warm, gently funny volume full of tasteful photographs, which places it in sharp contrast with the screaming, fecal-stained nightmare that makes up most of our parenting experience. Still, dads must bond, on their own terms. I offer some suggestions after the bump.

Watch Your Favorite Movie Together. Yes, your favorite movie is Hellboy. Yes, your child will have a decade of nightmares about the “fish man who sounds like Niles from Frasier,” except that they’ll have no idea what Frasier is. Yes, Hellboy himself is a creature from Bosch-land. But at least they’ll know why daddy sits in his basement every night, drinking whiskey, moaning that he’ll “never write a graphic novel that good, ever.”

The list includes goes on to include things like cross peeing and candy bribes. Read it here.

On a more serious note, Kate writes about the different experiences her husband has had bonding with their two children:

I never worried about D bonding with Stella. He was with her in those moments after she was pulled from me, when the neonatologists were checking her vitals. He was with her after they placed her in an isolette and wheeled her up to the Special Care Nursery, where he sat and spoke to her softly through plastic.

Thirty-six hours later, after the call to my room saying that she was in respiratory distress, D was the one who walked next to her through the long tunnel connecting Abbott Northwestern and Children’s Hospitals. He was the one who read to her in the middle of the night and who changed her diaper when the nurses said it was time.

All the while, I was nauseous, spinning in and out of sleep.

Much later, when we finally brought Stella home, D was the one who could calm her. I was often at a loss. Nursing was frustrating on good days and left me in tears on bad days. Since the moment she received bottles in the hospital, she preferred them to breastfeeding. I ended up pumping and pumping, and D gave her bottles at 11 pm and 5 am each day. There was no question that D and Stella bonded—they bonded immediately.

With Zoe, everything has been different. I missed out on an hour with her as I was being sewn up after my C-section, but we have been together almost constantly since then. She would love nothing more than to spend the day nursing and snoozing in my arms. And since she refuses to take a bottle, D hasn’t been able to feed her, to connect with her the way he connected with Stella. Much of the time we are together as a family is divided—he is playing with Stella and I’m nursing Zoe. I imagine that this is the way it is for many families when the mother is breastfeeding: the other partner feels a little left out.
...

There are so many books out there for expectant mothers—dare I say too many? But there are few that celebrate fatherhood and the special connection a dad can have with his new baby. I think this book helps fill that gap, and it would be a perfect gift for the expectant dads you know. I even found in it some good reminders for me: don’t feel stuck at home with an infant, take the baby with you and get out of the house! I also had forgotten this: that when a baby “turns her face to the side, she’s probably telling you she’s had enough…” Zoe loves to be on the changing table, kicking her feet and smiling, but I forgot this cue and think I’ve been keeping her “playing” long after she’s grown tired. Oops.

Read the entire entry (it's as awesome and well written as the excerpt) here.

Study shows active fathers help children's self-esteem

In case you needed more reasons to be involved with your baby, there's actually new scientific evidence from researchers in Sweden that shows that your role in your child's life will make a big difference. Active fathers help their sons have fewer behavioral problems and help their daughters have fewer psychological problems. Here's an excerpt from the Science Daily article. Read the full article here.

Active father figures have a key role to play in reducing behaviour problems in boys and psychological problems in young women, according to a review published in the February issue of Acta Paediatrica.

Swedish researchers also found that regular positive contact reduces criminal behaviour among children in low-income families and enhances cognitive skills like intelligence, reasoning and language development.

Children who lived with both a mother and father figure also had less behavioural problems than those who just lived with their mother.

The researchers are urging healthcare professionals to increase fathers' involvement in their children's healthcare and calling on policy makers to ensure that fathers have the chance to play an active role in their upbringing.

The review looked at 24 papers published between 1987 and 2007, covering 22,300 individual sets of data from 16 studies. 18 of the 24 papers also covered the social economic status of the families studied.

The smallest study focused on 17 infants and the largest covered 8,441 individuals ranging from premature babies to 33 year-olds. They included major ongoing research from the USA and UK, together with smaller studies from Sweden and Israel...

No Chance at Having a Father

The children who live at the orphanage, Fraternité Notre Dame, in Niamey, Niger, have no chance at ever having a father, or a parent to bond with. They are well taken care of by a heroic woman named Sister Brigitte and a staff of nannies who never stay long (it's a hard job). The orphanage also gives food to poor people in the community and runs a health clinic as well. The children have enough to eat, they are getting an education, and they have clean clothes to wear (most of the time). But due to the rules of the orphanage, these children cannot be adopted and will never live in a nuclear family or have parents who love them and kiss their little heads a hundred times a day.

Daddy Dialectic

BBBDs was at the Daddy Dialectic today. Jeremy Adam Smith, who's the senior editor of Greater Good Magazine, wrote:

A century ago--a quarter-century ago, even--an ideological concrete barrier with barbed wire on top divided fathers from infants and toddlers. In real life, the wall was breached every day. Fathers have always cared for children. But the barrier I'm talking about was was real and it did shape men's caregiving behavior.

Today, that barrier is dissolving. When The Baby Bonding Book for Dads urges the new father to "take off your shirt, pick your baby up in just his diaper, and hold him," the authors are tapping a sensual dimension of fatherhood that was once taboo. This book very much assumes involved fatherhood is the healthy norm, and that's nothing but good.

Read the full review (plus the critique that the book doesn't have enough photos of people of color) here.

Mama(e) in Translation and Her Able Hands

Kelly Ferry, at Her Able Hands, has seen Katherine Hepburn swoon on the sidewalk and eaten, actually eaten, poison ivy. She's so totally awesome (an amazing cook, baby bib maker, friend, everything) but she has one fatal flaw: she lives in Ohio. We wonder daily how she can do this to us. But we stopped in Ohio on the book tour. Here's a snippet from her post:

Both of my children were conceived out of wedlock and for a time in my life I joked that maybe my real purpose on earth is to turn men into fathers. Good thing it didn’t happen a third time, I hear that’s the charm. But seriously, watching the fathers of my two wonderful children holding their newborn babies, witnessing their hearts unfolding was some of the most gorgeous life I have lived. Watching a man turn into a soft puddle of love is beyond beautiful.

Reading Jennifer and James’ book brought me right back to those times. I didn’t get to see Chris meet Lila because hers was an emergency birth and the morphine had hit pretty hard by that time, but I loved hearing all of my family and friends tell me about how he became singularly focused on her tiny body in the incubator. How he kept his hand on her tummy while the nurses did all of their nursy things and made sure she was healthy (two weeks early–perfectly healthy) and wouldn’t let her out of his sight for those hours while I slid in and out of consciousness in recovery. I’m so happy they had each other because I wasn’t able to offer anything but some hallucinating psychobabble. Hey! I can see through my eyelids! This is awesome! Am I at the White Party at the Filmore East again?

The full post is here.

Our second stop was at Mama(e) in Translation who writes an awesome blog about being a Brazilian mama in the U.S. (and she just finished her Ph.D. in literature!). She had her husband blog about the book. Here's what he said:

Open the baby book for dads and you will feel an irresistible urge to smile. The fabulous faces of the babies portrayed in the book bonding with their respective daddies breaks the ice for the gentle coaching offered by Properzio and Margulis to unsure soon-to-be/recent dads.

As a father of two boys, now no longer babies, I was delighted to see how precisely the experience of bonding was described. The the advice given is rich and sound, and the approach to interacting with these lovely small creatures brings home the great experience of being a dad. It is true that the days fly by very quickly at this young age. Thus every minute counts. And there will never be a better time to connect with one's child. If you are concerned about not missing any minute, The Baby Book For Dads can help you do it in a fun and relaxed way. Before we know it we are left with just pictures and fond memories of these unforgettable moments with our baby.

Read the full post here.

In South Africa and Southern Oregon

For our most far away stop on the tour, The Baby Bonding Book For Dads visited our friend Tertia Albertyn's fantastic blog, So Close, in South Africa. Warning if you click to her blog: it's well written, funny, honest, poignant, sometimes bawdy (ladies, she asked in a recent poll, do you spit or swallow?), and totally addictive, so read at your own risk. Here's an excerpt from her review:

While some men are absolute ‘naturals’ when it comes to tiny babies, there are many, like my husband, who were complete novices when their first little baby arrives. So much of the ‘fuss’ pre and post birth is around the mom (as it should be!) that the poor dads often get totally forgotten about and their introduction to babies is a baptism by fire.

This beautiful little book is a the perfect ‘baby shower’ gift for all new dads and besides the stunning photos it contains, it also has some pretty insightful tips and advice from the author (James, Jennifer’s husband) who is a father of three himself. Newborn bonding, carrying, skin-to-skin contact, diapering, going places, napping, playing, exercising, reading to baby etc is all covered in a lighthearted and informative way.

For our closest stop on the tour, we were over at Sean Bagshaw's amazing photography blog. We met Sean a few years ago when Wondertime hired him to take pictures of us for a story I wrote about family biking. He specializes in outdoor landscape photography and his work is really unique and amazing (and hangs in office buildings throughout the country). Here's an excerpt from what Sean wrote about the book:

It is a book I wish I had when I was first introduced to fatherhood. James and Jennifer have packed it full of honest, helpful and humorous stories and advice to help new dads realize the importance of connecting with their babies starting on day one ... As a photographer I particularly like the selection of photos that accompany the text.

Chris Briscoe, a father himself, is a well known and highly respected portrait photographer from Ashland, Oregon. Since I have known Chris, I have always been drawn to his calm charisma and genuine interest in people. His talent with people photography comes from his kind, disarming personality and love of interacting with others. His special talent for getting to know his subjects, putting them at ease in front of the camera and getting their best to show allows him to produce honest and engaging images. I have seen many of his photos of babies and dads in his studio, but until this book I had not seen an entire collection of dad and baby photos, which strengthens them even more. Each photo in the book is a perfect compliment to the narrative. The wonderful black and white images illustrate the emotional connection that can and should form between a father and his baby and help to bring the stories in the book to life ....

As Father’s Day approaches, this book and the photographs have given me some new energy as a father and brought back some great memories of my sons as babies. Additionally, it has reminded me that I need to pull my focus away from landscape photography every once in a while and take some more photos of my kids.

Read the entire review here.

A Stay-At-Home Dad Reviews BBBDs

Phil at A Family Runs Through It, who has an excellent blog about homeschooling, parenting, being a stay-at-home dad, and life with two children in northern Idaho, reviewed the book for the blog book tour. It was fun to "go" to Idaho (especially since Phil really liked the book!). Here's his review:

It's been nearly ten years since we brought my son home from the hospital. I remember thinking that I wasn't ready to have a newborn in the house. After all, I had never been around babies before. My whole life I held a baby once, for about 30 seconds. I'm pretty sure I didn't drop it.

So I was completely unprepared for being a father. I had to go out and buy one of those step-by-step photo books that showed how to hold a baby, change a diaper, buckle up a car seat, and other simple, but daunting, procedures.

I wish I'd had more. I wish I'd had The Baby Bonding Book For Dads.

Written by the husband/wife team of James di Properzio and Jennifer Margulis, the book is specifically for clueless dads, like I was, who have little or no experience in taking care of babies. But it's not just about the nuts and bolts of caring for children. This is about building a real emotional bond between father and baby.

Oh yeah, it does have all that instructional stuff in it. Chapters about diapering, napping, travel, and exercise are all quick, fun reads filled with practical information. The authors then go beyond that to talk about how the experience of caring for a newborn helps dads forge solid relationships with their kids.

None of the topics in this book are a surprise to me now, but I've had ten years to learn it on my own. I wonder how much easier my job would've been if my eyes had been opened to a few of these concepts much earlier on. It's really simple stuff, but sometimes men don't want to see the simple truths staring them right in the face.

And when's a better time to form a bond with your child than the first day they become a part of the family?

If you know any new, or soon-to-be, fathers, The Baby Bonding Book For Dads would make a great gift. At 92 pages, with lighthearted text and charming photos, it's sure to soften the hearts of even the most stubbornly clueless men.